Thoughts and ramblings about turning “The Dirty 30”

Just as anyone who knows me will tell you, I’m the kind of person who does a lot of thinking.  Sometimes I do too much thinking, but I’m a thinker nonetheless.  It’s been awhile since I’ve shared my thoughts with the world (other than my typical Twitter/Facebook rants) and with such a momentous occasion coming this Saturday, I figured it was about due for something like this.  If you don’t care or don’t want to read my long post, then simply read on…otherwise, everyone please feel free 🙂

I turn 30 years old this coming Saturday the 10th, and I’d have to say that it’s definitely made me think a lot about my life…where I’ve been, where I’m going, and my own mortality.  I’m sure for some people who’ve turned 30 it didn’t really matter so much to them and it was simply just a number, but for whatever reason, I’m the complete opposite.  I’m not quite staring into a dark emtpy abyss that is the rest of my life, but it’s more like simply feeling very uncertain about what lies ahead.  It wouldn’t necessarily be called fear, but it’s definitely some sort of anxiety.  Much of this anxiety doesn’t even apply directly to my life, but more the people around me, such as my close friends, family, and parents. Then again, some of this also stems from the aforementioned group of people putting pressure on me in different ways. On top of all this, there’s the simple fact that the age of 30 in my mind equates to being a “grown-up,” and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that just yet.

When I was 4 years old, I started Kindergarten, and I was young for my class, which would continue throughout all of my education.  When I started high school at 13, I felt good about being older, since I wasn’t a kid anymore.  When I started college at 17, I was growing up to be a man, but I was still young and stupid.  When I graduated from college, I was definitely a bit lost, but now I was a legal young adult.  When I graduated with my Master’s, I felt like I could take on the world.  Now, feel like I’m starting a new chapter with my life, and all of the more childish and foolish things are behind me in a way, or maybe they should be.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like more “grown-up” problems have been affecting me, and turning 30 is just symbolic of that.  The first of these concerns is financial.  We live in a tough economy right now, and while I’m still living rather comfortably (relatively speaking), all that could change quite easily over night.  Just recently I came into some money thanks to some photography jobs, yet I felt the need to hang onto it rather than spend it like I would’ve a year ago.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all, but it’s definitely become quite a concern of mine.  I know that I have quite a bit of debt to pay off, and I’d like to do that as fast as possible.  Ideally, I’d like to buy a house (especially given how the housing market is these days), but with my current debts in the way, I don’t think that’s going to be possible just yet, which of course annoys me.  I feel like it’s time to leave the nest (after all, I’m turning 30!), but I just feel held back by my financial obligations, so it’s a bit frustrating.

Let me be clear though that it’s definitely the financial obligations holding me back, and not my parents.  I love my parents very much, and I know they don’t mind that I’m still sticking around.  However, they’re not going to hold me back if I truly decide it’s time to move out, and I’m thankful for that.  Nevertheless, even my parents are a bit of a worry too.  They’re not getting any younger either, and I feel like I should be the one taking care of them now, rather than the other way around.  Hell, my father is still working part time even though he’s retired just to keep the bills paid, and that doesn’t sit well with me whatsoever.  Plus, as they get older, the more things like medicine and check-ups become more important.  This puts the whole health care issue into the forefront for me, thus I’ve been keeping tabs every day with how health care reform is going.  I feel very strongly about health care reform and it frustrates me that many people within the powers that be are either against it or are trying equate the idea of freedom and choice with capitalism.  I can rant on and on about it (and maybe I still will at some point), but with my father being a heart attack survivor, both my mom’s and father’s side having a history of heart disease and high blood pressure, and close friends and relatives of mine fighting and/or surviving from cancer, and many of my relatives working as nurses or doctors, health care is a HUGE deal to me, and is definitely one of the more “grown-up” concerns I have.

This of course brings me to yet another one of my “grown-up” concerns: my own health.  When you think of someone in their 20s, you typically think of someone that’s young and full of energy, however weight has always been an issue with me.  I lost a bunch of weight back in 2004 through hypnosis and will power alone, but as my job became less active and more desk-oriented, sad to say I’ve gained it all back.  I’ve tried to go to the gym and I still try to work out at home early in the morning, but I still can’t quite get over the hump I need to.  A lot of it has to do with motivation and eating habits, which of course comes down to straight-up will power.  On top of this, I’ve figured out that I really don’t like running at all…it makes my knees and ankles hurt and I really don’t feel good afterward, which sure doesn’t help my motivation either.  I’m not quite sure how to help myself here, but I do feel a bit lost, and I’m definitely not getting any younger. All I know for sure is that with my family’s history of heart disease and high blood pressure, I really do want to avoid any complications as I get older by acting today.

My health and weight of course directly tie in to what my mom’s been pushing at me:  finding a wife. Being overweight brings down a person’s self-confidence more than some people might think.  It’s only natural and instinctual to be attracted to a more fit and healthy body, and our society as a whole continually pushes that forward.  Hell, I myself am guilty of it, but at the same time I know full-well how it can affect my attractiveness to the opposite sex.  I used to be very bitter, but I’d like to think that I’m much better about it than I had been previously.  Nevertheless, I’m still pretty picky, and while my father fully understands that, my mom still jokes about finding me a wife back in The Philippines.  I usually would just shrug this off, but as I said earlier, my parents aren’t getting any younger, and I really would like my own kids to have their grand parents in their lives, since that’s something that my brother’s family has and it’s something that I only partially had.   However, I definitely know for sure that I’m not ready for kids just yet, much less getting married, but at least a few dating prospects would be a good start.  Shooting 3 weddings this year hasn’t really helped things either…haha.  Oh well though…I consider this to be a minor issue compared to the other things I’ve mentioned, so I’m content with just leaving it as a minor concern for the time being.

The whole point of all this rambling is that I don’t feel like I’m in the place I want to be right now with my finances and my health, and turning 30 has just shed light upon all this.  Plus, turning 30 has made me feel like the youthful chapter of my life is coming to a close, and I won’t be able to do some of the things I’ve been wanting to do.  I guess that pretty much just sums it up for now, but don’t be surprised if I have another urge to post something again before my birthday.  Otherwise, please feel free to comment.

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